Having a Ball Breaking the Chain

Justifiable

First, let me apologize up front for a whiney post. I'm pissed off and need to spew a bit. I was comment-browsing through a couple of others' blogs earlier and something in ms. sizzle's post and Hilly's and sj's comments struck a resounding note with me. No, not actually a note, more like a major chord. Sizzle was talking about something holding her back from things she loved to do. Both sj and Hilly agreed and all three vowed to try to be more in touch with doing things "just for me."

I realized, as I was reading all that, how uncomfortable I have been just being myself and doing things I enjoy doing around my soon-to-be-ex. I feel as if I have to constantly justify everything I do to him, deflecting criticism as I go. This is one of the major reasons I'm done with this relationship. He tries to turn everything into a fight and I quit fighting with him, since it's pointless. So he gets all nit-picky and critical, and, after one or two attempts at "explaining" myself to him, I just quit. With no way to vent his anger, he eventually leaves, but always AFTER he's managed to spoil whatever pleasant mood I was in. It's been this way for quite a while, not just since we've agreed to divorce. That relaxed, comfortable-in-my-own-world feeling that SHOULD be associated with home and family just dries right up and blows away when he walks into the house, and lasts until he leaves or at least goes into a different room.

He's been volatile and just plain pissy for a couple of years, now. His previously easy-going personality underwent a change a while back and he, himself, is quite fond of the asshole formally known as Tom. Me, not so much. He fully realizes that a lot of people have noticed the change in him and are not happy with it and, not only does he not care, he revels in it. He leaps easily to anger, picks fights whenever possible and generally snarls his way around life like a bear with a sore paw. (Before anyone says that he needs medication or therapy, please know that I DID get him to go see our family doctor a year or so ago. He was on medication that helped so much, we could actually tell when he would miss a day. He has recently decided to take himself OFF of it, now, right in the middle of what I would think qualifies a a rather stressful life transition. Seriously, he LIKES his anger.)

Now, I have no way of knowing if he carries this lovely side of himself out into the world every day. His job involves a fair amount of customer service, so I would venture to say he doesn't, although I know his bad attitude was pointed out to him at his last job. Which is one of the reasons he saves it all up and brings it home with him. It's like being in the car with someone who has extreme road rage. The yelling and swearing and anger may not be directed at you, but you're the one hearing and feeling it (another frequent argument in the days when I would argue.)

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a strong willed woman and very rarely take crap from anyone. But I always taught my kids that it was OK to express the negative feelings and tried to help them learn to identfy who and what made them feel that way. I think that one of the best things we do for our loved ones is allow them to use us as a sounding board to help get things out and dealt with. If you're secure in the love and acceptance of your family, who better to go to when you need to share the bad stuff? I guess absorbing his anger just became a habit along the way and I didn't realize how much of it I do until I really focused on it. Even now, when we're trying to be really nice to each other, there's always that potential just below the surface. And, somewhere along the way it stopped being about me accepting and validating his frustration with the rest of the world and became about me as the object of his anger. Not a fun place to be.

Keeping the peace has become too much effort, rising to the bait is too much trouble, and justifying my existence is too much shit. It's his problem. I'm not going to make it mine, anymore.

posted by Sheryl @ 9:42 AM