Having a Ball Breaking the Chain: Sneaking back in, hoping no one noticed I was gone...

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Sneaking back in, hoping no one noticed I was gone...

Bless me, Bloggers, for I have sinned. It's been 28 days since my last blog.

I'm not Catholic, but I think I have that right. Next, you're supposed to bare your soul and admit the error of you ways so that you can be absolved of all blame and guilt. With a bit of penance to do and the proper amount of remorse, of course.

It all started with the vertigo. Which turned out to be a reaction to a new generic brand of a medication I had been taking for a while. Since the medication wasn't new, neither my doctor nor the pharmacist would concede that the change of one generic to another could be the problem. So, for more than two weeks, I was dizzy and nauseous and developed a stiff neck from not wanting to move my head. Working a new job, I couldn't take any time off, so I toughed it out through the day and collapsed as soon as I got home, trying not to move until I had to get to work the next day. After I threw a hissy fit and MADE them give me the old generic, it cleared up. I don't understand the need of certain "professionals" to be right, even when they're wrong. Neither of them apologized, suggesting that I probably just recovered "coincidently."

Then I started working nine hour days and, probably because schools have been gradually starting back up and definitely because the highway 15 construction has become even MORE intrusive, traffic has been worse and worse. So, by the time I was getting home 13 to 14 hours after getting up in the morning, I wasn't feeling too much like jumping on the computer.

Add in the fact that, since my daughter and her friends are back at school and anywhere from 2 to 5 of them have been here doing homework (and using the computer) each week day, I haven't sat down to catch up with my life or anyone else's for a month.

Lots of excuses, no discipline. Bad combination.

Really, though, deep down, I know that if I had really wanted to write, I would have been writing. I'm pretty driven when it comes to something I want to do. Truth be told, I was in a very bad place, mentally and emotionally. I have been finally facing some of the obviously down sides of my impending divorce. I started writing here as a way to emphasize the positive aspects and even the name of this site is a comic play on the process. But, it isn't always so much of a ball. There are several huge roadblocks on my path to happy singlehood and I've been beating myself against them lately.

I knew that the financial situation wasn't going to be good. I wasn't aware that it was going to be so bad. My Soon-To-Be-Ex has been handling our finances for the last couple of years (that's a whole other story!) and I didn't realize until recently how deep a hole we're in. And all that has to be taken care of before the split. Crap.

And I thought that he had accepted our breakup and we were on the same page with it. It seems that my moving into my own room was a wake up call for him and now he realizes I'm serious. And that he wants to change my mind. DOUBLE crap.

My brain-mouse has been running through the maze of my mind, smashing headlong into wall after wall, backing up and blasting hell-bent another direction into yet another wall. My mental whiplash has whiplash. I've been angry and frustrated and sad and weepy by turns and the last thing I wanted to do was to sit down and focus on what I was feeling so that I could write about it. Triple crappity crap crap crap.

Having said all that, I'm sitting here focusing on how I'm feeling so that I can write about it. And it feels pretty good. So, I guess I've passed an emotional kidney stone and I'm no longer blocked.

I have lots of stories about my new job and co-workers to catch up on. And lots of reading to do, catching up on the people behind the blogs I enjoy so much. Bless me, bloggers. I have sinned and I need salvation. I throw myself upon your mercy.

13 Comments:

At 7:46 AM, kapgar said...: We all noticed. And you will be summarily punished for your transgressions against bloggerdom. SJ, you have first licks.
At 9:06 PM, SJ said...: You were gone so long, I'd quit coming to see if you were back! Plus, I thought you'd mention you were blogging again. What are you doing, testing me? :>)

Seriously, I'm glad you're feeling up to writing again. Things have really sucked for you lately.
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